The first Christmas

This year will be the first Christmas and the first holiday without my brother in law, already. My parents, my daughter and I will be at my sister's house for Christmas Eve. Her husband put up her tree and there were presents sitting under it last time I was at her house. "Her" house. Yet another thing I have to get used to. My sister is a single mother. I say that in my head over and over and it still stuns me. It hasn't hit me fully that he's gone. When I"m at my sister's house I sit there and catch myself waiting for him to come out of their bedroom or coming in from just having stopped at a convenience store.

All I can do right now at this minute is pray. That's all I have been doing since Steve died. Pray,pray, pray.

Other Half

It is starting to get less and less, the pain I have had in my heart. My sister's best friend was taken away from her and there is nothing I can do to fix it. That's what I feel in every part of my body at this point: He was perfect for her, why can't I just fix it, make it go away, my sister is just having a horrible nightmare......

That's what it feels like for me. This surreal version of grieving that came up from the depths of my heart and into my fingertips while I type away what I really would love to say to my sister but am way too timid to. She needs to keep busy, she told me. I don't know if she will allow herself to have a mourning period where it is just her soaking in everything that has gone on in these past few days. I can't force her to wallow, though, as much as I would love to. I'd stop whatever I was doing at the drop of a hat if she insinuated that she needs me. But what can I give her?

My sister needs me, now more than ever. The roles have been reversed: it is now my turn to be the alpha sibling who's job it is to cater to my poor sweet heartbroken sister. That is one of the hats I must add to my collection.

My sister's other half is gone, and no one will ever be able to take his place. This hurts my heart.

Widow

I still can't believe it. My sister is a widow now. My brother in law passed away last night: died in his sleep due to a heart attack. I just saw him on Thanksgiving, and to be honest, he looked a little under the weather.

I'm so heartbroken and I don't know what to do. My sister is one of my best friends, and hell, the wedding was only about four years ago. I can still remember all of it. It was the most fun I have ever had at a wedding. I remember the big trip to Seattle and Vancouver that the three of us went on: it was SO much fun.

I feel angry more than anything. How could this happen-especially right before Christmas? It isn't fair. That's all I can think-it isn't fucking fair. My nephew turns one this month. He will never know his father. Another thing I am angry about.

His dad had died the year before right around this time about a year ago, and now this.

My heart hurts.