Closer

There is a part of me that knows I am turning 30 soon and it makes me depressed. I suppose it is because that deep down I want to settle down with someone and have another kid.

After Lexi I was pretty set on just having Lexi as being more than enough. My biological clock is more and more loudly telling me I should have another baby in my 30's.

For the most part I am really happy to have my independence, and as much as I have experimented in my life, I don't see myself as a "girlfriend girl" anymore. I am poly-amorous, so I know that my recent thoughts about getting married and having another kid really is my biological clock talking to me.

I can be in a relationship now with multiple people and I don't get jealous of what they do when I am not around. Once I realized that I knew that I had changed a lot since having my daughter. All I ever wanted was a daughter, so now wishing I could have the complete package, the baby and the spouse isn't as big a deal as it was when I was pregnant.

I like being alone. I like knowing that once I get my "me" time of the day that I can use it pretty much however I see fit. How I spend my free time is a big deal to me. If I don't get my space for a few hours a day I become the bitch from hell (not as bitchy as I get when my blood sugar drops, but close enough).

The closer I get to 30, the more I value my time with my daughter. She will be six years old once I get there; she'll be in first grade and I'll be at home by myself for the morning/early afternoon. I really try to savor the moments I have with Mini Me because this is really it: in a few years she's not going to be my baby anymore. However, I know that no matter what, nothing will take away from the fact that she is my precious little girl, my little miracle. A vast hole in my heart was filled the day she was born.

I do not have a clue what my 30's have in store for me, but I know that will be the decade when I cross a lot of things off my "bucket list". There is no way my disability is going to stop that.