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Saturday, July 23, 2016

It was a toy truck.

"The cop was actually trying to shoot the Autistic man, but he missed."



July 21st, 2016:

I wanted to put my fist through a wall that day.

This is not the first time an Autistic has been shot at or shot by police simply cuz Autistic.

If you think it won't happen again you're an idiot.

Best of Kickstarter Crap #2

Thursday, July 21, 2016

If you ever feel like you are drowning...




Set sail
We're leaving the harbor now
Christen the ship
Let the city slip from the starboard bow
Remember when the waves were only waist deep?
When the only thing we knew about pain was scraped knees?
When we would still walk where the shells were in shards,
If it meant that we could find that starfish before dark
But, as the comfort grows
We become the flow
And the ebb and tide that swept our lives into the undertow
And while I'm foolish
For building sandcastles where the waves break
You fought the current
And focused on yesterday's wake
You vacated our oasis on the premise
That our complicated promises were tarnished by the present

And I fear the tempest hasn't left your lips yet
But I love you
That's why I'm staying anchored to this shipwreck
So should the water ever rise above our collarbones
I'll be close by, closed eyes, cause I'm not alone
I'll never let the waters rise above our collarbones
Open up your eyes, baby doll, cause you're not alone

Sitting on a suitcase, knees to elbows,
Hands to face, like "Damn, it's damp today"
And the transits late again
I make friends with the night sky
Calling each star on it's white lies
But, from the sand I sit wondering where the candlelit nights
That used to be life decided to abandon ship
I won't stand for it, I can't handle it
Been waiting for a little bit of wind since the anchor slipped
I've got five fingers clinging to the driftwood
Looking for riptide that you travel on
But safe harbors and stagnant ponds
Couldn't make hope float if the passion's gone




You might recognize John from his T-Mobile commercial:


https://www.facebook.com/witnesshiphop/



Wednesday, July 20, 2016

My first Youtube fan compilation!

I haven't made a fan comp. in a long time.  This is the first one I've done about Youtubers.  Please excuse the shitty editing, but I can only work with what I have.  I'm going to be saving up for some editing software so that I can create better content there.  I'm very slow when it comes to this sort of thing so I have to take it one step at a time.


Best of Kickstarter Crap

Youtuber: Ian b.k.a. iDubbbzTV






Tuesday, July 19, 2016

I've had a broken heart for about two months.

This is why.

The one other non verbal Autistic that I had been following on Youtube died.  He was 18.  He suffered from a very rare life threatening disease, and while I will never go through what Kreed's mother went through, I can't shake this.  Every time I think about Kreed's family my body goes cold.

The only thing I can think of that I would want others to take from this is to visit Kreed's facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/kreedsworld and watch his Youtube videos.

The only thing that helped Kreed's pain was medicinal cannabis.  His mother is a big advocate of legalizing medical cannabis and so am I.  You can just watch the videos of what Kreed was like before and after his doses.

Anyway.

This is the first time I've mentioned this online to anyone.

I just wanted to show how much more there is to Youtube then just revenue, trolling, drama, entertainment, and play button plaques.

There are microcosms woven into it.  Lives beginning and lives ending.

 Those microcosms are what made Youtube what it is today.


Thursday, July 14, 2016

I can't make it beautiful.

I go through periods of my life where I can't go a day without crying.  I don't drown in a puddle of my own tears, but it rises up.  It closes my throat.  My cheeks become hot and the tears leave trails down them.

It hits all of a sudden and I try to compose myself, I try to tell myself that it's the anxiety I have been dealing with my whole life sneaking up on me.  It's the familiar feeling that is the prelude to a panic attack and if I just concentrate on breathing, there will be tears, but I don't have to fall apart.

While that usually helps, there are days when I cannot go online and joke around with my friends or be upbeat.

There are times when those secret pep talks do not work, and the seams break.

It is my anxiety. It is always there in the background.  It is not a positive thing in my life.  I can turn it into writing, I can funnel the energy of it into something visceral.  Since the first grade I have been weaving like a spider in a doorway.  I create webs to catch it, I have tools to try to control it.

A web can't withstand winds that are too strong.

This is my anxiety.

 I can't force it to be positive.

I can't make it beautiful.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Life is short. Have dessert first.

This is something I have to address from time to time:

(This is something I wrote a year ago. I still don't drink unless it's medicinal because I can't sleep or I'm having a lot of back pain.)


I cut alcohol out of my life completely. It's been a year and a half since I have had a drink. It's mostly because of my meds and the fact that I don't want to wind up with type 2 diabetes, which is easy to get on my dad's side of the fam. I am also trying to make that little voice in my head that always pops in to say "Aw stop stressing and have a drink!" go away. If I abuse alcohol it's going to be a gateway to me abusing things that almost destroyed not just my life but me.

It's not that I don't want to hang out, it's the fact that I am a single mom who's daughter has non-verbal Autism, so not only am I a single parent, I am a caretaker too. I am also the youngest and the caretaker of my own parents. Lexi is also a caretaker for my parents, because I raised her to be a very lovely young lady and is the best mood elevator they could ever get. Also she is like me, tall and very unusually strong for her age. She helps my Mom and Dad by helping them get out of a chair or picks up things they can't because it hurts too much. The older she gets, the more she wants to show how responsible she is, because she gets positive reinforcement from me.
Another big thing is the fact that when I had that really serious case of mono back in high school. I don't know who remembers that or who even knows the story, but cliff note version: In 2000 when I was 17 and a junior, I felt like I was coming down with something, had a sore throat all of a sudden, was misdiagnosed, then out of nowhere my kidney and liver started failing and I was rushed to the ER where they took lots of blood took lots of tests and injected me with lots of things, the scary part being that I don't remember 99% of that ER visit.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome because of that illness. It gets worse as I get older. I have to ration my energy when it comes to visiting fam or going out with friends. Those who have known me since kindergarten know that me staying home and reading and minding my own business is how I spent a lot of my free time: I had fun and did naughty things by the time I was in high school but I was never a partier and while curious, alcohol was the only "illegal" drug I ever did up until I was 17.
The good news is that I am right now really trying to be better at living my life in a way that doesn't leech energy out of me. There are meds I HAVE to take that can make you tired, so add CFS and you get the picture. I have to ration out my energy like I'm some 1940's homemaker during WW2 rationing her war bonds. But my life has been worse, and I have a daughter who is the best friend I've ever had. The world doesn't have anything to offer to me that is better than that, and it never will.
I care about all of the people I grew up with and the new people added to my life. You can't grow up with other people your age in a small town and not have some sort of connection with them that never goes away.

Something I've been working on

I've been working on a story that is inspired by Anne Boleyn and the book Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman.  This is some of the beginning of what I have so far.   It's just a rough draft so it won't be very perfect.  I've had a rather a block about it lately because I don't know what direction I want it to go.  I'm going to spend time this summer working on a different direction and see how it goes.  I'll keep you updated.

I had a lot of typos I had to fix just today.  I'm rusty with the process of editing.


 There are events that happen in every woman's life that are entirely due to the people Providence Forces them to meet.  The first and most prominent verb any woman ever learns is "Force".  It is learned before the new life even has the ability to speak.  Their mother Forces them out of their womb, their first breath of air is caught, and their world is forever changed.  Their world, my world, my gaze, encompasses Force, both as steady and as dependable as the orbit of the Earth I watch day in and day out from my own little perch in Heaven.  Orbiting, the lunar cycle, the push and pull of the tide, the magnetism that saturates inside and outside our brief Earthly forms live for this one word called "Force". 


Saturday, July 2, 2016

Beginning of summer school




I have no idea if she's been sleeping because she's exhausted from starting school yesterday or what.  I just hope I can get some kind of sleep tonight, and that she doesn't wind up staying up all night Sunday night.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

#NYCPride March 2016 exclusive pics

My cousin is one of the managers of the parade this year! She and the rest of the managers were conversing with the NYPD and getting everything in formation.  I hope everyone there has a fun and safe time.  It's going to be the most important march to date!



"We the people" means everyone






Monday, June 20, 2016

Welcome to another episode of bad unboxing

When your sister gets your kid a really nice present but she just wants the box it came in:








(IdubbbzTV for more bad unboxings)

Monday, June 13, 2016

School days

Up at six am. Bus at quarter after seven.  Back to  bed.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

A Room of One's Own

I haven't been keeping up with my paper journal.  I have done some writing the past year but I wound up losing most of my work since it was on my old laptop that crapped out.  I have most of it backed up, but since then I haven't worked on it at all.   I haven't done much writing of any significance in 2016.  I've been reading a lot and hanging out on twitch and laying low.

Right now I'm reading the diaries of Virginia Woolf.  I am realizing that we have a few things in common, our battle with mental illness being the main one.  I don't have suicidal tendencies, but we both have had nervous breakdowns due to the trauma we have endured in our lives.  Considering what mental health services were like during World War I and just the little information on mental illness in general, let alone in women, added with her having been a child in the Victorian period, I'm sure she had it much worse than I.

I suppose in this house it is very hard to feel like I really have a room of my own if I am to write.  I am rarely alone even when I am in my own room.  That is one of the hardest things to deal with from day to day.


Saturday, May 14, 2016

Grey.

There are days when it gets bad.  Then worse.

I feel these days like I did when I was in the hospital.  Instead of walls that keep me from taking a breath of fresh air whenever I want, I have walls that keep me from doing the most menial tasks.  They feel like Herculean efforts.  It makes me look as though I don't care.  It makes me look lazy.  Ungrateful for what I have.

There are days when getting out of bed feels like I will fall off the edge of the Earth of I take one step off.

The only true respite I receive is through medication.  To calm me within the hour.  To lessen the burden.

To turn the world I see into a lighter shade of grey.

The evolution of Marilyn Monroe's look






Saturday, April 30, 2016

It's nice out!

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Saturday, February 27, 2016

#MakeYoutubeGreatAgain #WTFU @SusanWojcicki




What is fair use? (Youtube copyright claims, fair use, and how Youtube will die if this isn't fixed)







Angry Joe Show (2013):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQfHdasuWtI


Total Biscuit (2013):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfgoDDh4kE0


Adam Sessler interview (2013):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfgoDDh4kE0


I Hate Everything (channel deletion):
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QH-8PqS84qA


Grade A Under A (everything wrong with Youtube):

part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjXNvLDkDTA

part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF2tCY281Rk


Chibi Reviews

(Channel In Serious Trouble - Monetization Disabled & No Custom Thumbnails)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REHOdqYkX4Y


Swarley Underhill
Broken Youtube and False Copyright Claims

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQmCX6Up-jo






Sunday, February 7, 2016

The Maze Runner

Anyone read this?  I watched the first two movies and I've gotten the audiobook to The Kill Order ( I think is the name) and I was wondering if there was anybody who has read them so we could chat.  I saw an episode of "Superstore" where America Ferrera's daughter was reading it and suddenly was interested for some reason.  I guess I'm feeling a gap in my life because there's no more Hunger Games movies coming out and the last Divergent movie will be out, so I need some new dystopian fiction.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Easy No Bake Cheesecake #DivasCanCook

I am waiting on a spring form pan I ordered from Amazon to get here this week, and I'm going to be going on a cheesecake spree as soon as I can.  I'm starting here!


Saturday, January 2, 2016

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Friday, December 18, 2015

Language and rape culture


Monday, December 7, 2015

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Moar head crushing





Sunday, November 22, 2015

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Pizza Pull Apart Muffins- Tip Hero