The First Christmas

This Christmas was the first Christmas without my brother in law.  I still miss him terribly, especially during my nephew's 2nd birthday party.  He was my sister's best friend and the best brother a gal could ask for. He was kind, patient, funny, and selfless.  I still remember the day my sister, Lexi, my brother-in-law and I went to the mall on my birthday so that Lexi could get her pic taken with Santa for the first time.  All I have of him are birthday/Christmas presents, and my memories of him, and I am thankful that I have so many.  I am thankful he lived long enough to see his son be born.  I wish he could have held out to see him on his 1st birthday.   I wish I had had the courage to step up and say something during his funeral, but the minute I saw him in the casket I was paralyzed.  All I could think was "Do not break down, my sister needs me to be strong.  It's my turn to take care of her".  My sis is 8 years older than me and has always been my second Mom.  I couldn't believe how composed she has sitting right in front of the love of her life.


 It feels as though a shadow had fallen over my family after he was gone.  This shadow will take time to disperse.  The only thing I can do is be there for her and my nephew and make sure our family celebrates the existence of this piece of immortality that is his son.


Steve and Nicky:

http://youtu.be/Px4eCpFPDds

The first Christmas

This year will be the first Christmas and the first holiday without my brother in law, already. My parents, my daughter and I will be at my sister's house for Christmas Eve. Her husband put up her tree and there were presents sitting under it last time I was at her house. "Her" house. Yet another thing I have to get used to. My sister is a single mother. I say that in my head over and over and it still stuns me. It hasn't hit me fully that he's gone. When I"m at my sister's house I sit there and catch myself waiting for him to come out of their bedroom or coming in from just having stopped at a convenience store.

All I can do right now at this minute is pray. That's all I have been doing since Steve died. Pray,pray, pray.

To my late brother-in-law:

These are all the thoughts I cannot talk about. This was a really cathartic piece for me: