Dear Anon.

You, the two eyes reading this: you are not whom you think you are.

You have talent, humor and charm, and even though you seem like you aspire to be a scumbag, you are capable of so much more and you know it. It doesn’t make you cool to shrug off the expectations of those who care about you. It just makes you look like a fool. You don’t have to be a nice person if you know that’s not who you truly are. Being jerk and being a bad person can be two different things.

It is not ok when friends try to keep you from growing up because they themselves do not have the guts or the will power to become adults themselves. If they cannot balance responsibility with living life to the fullest, all they will ever do is drag you down so that you cannot make anything of yourself even if you tried. Simply having known someone your whole life doesn’t mean you need to keep them in your life for the sake of your future. That is something I am all too familiar with.

I have never thought you were a bad person, even when I tried to just get rid of you and never think about you again. At the time,that plan failed miserably.

From day one you’ve shown me a side of you that I doubt very much you show very many people, and maybe that is what scared you. I am sure the risk of my seeing it face to face (which I saw the moment you first laid eyes on me–I severely doubt you were even aware that your face lit up like a Christmas tree) probably scared you even more.

Whatever spin you want to put onto whatever it is we have: this is the real deal, Evander Holyfield. If you think I am just going to back out like I have before, then you’re in for a bumpy ride (and I say bring it).

I have made up my mind once and for all about you, and I will keep my distance so that you can gain distance from everything that has happened between us.

However, I said a long time ago that from the first time I saw you I knew I was in for it with you.

his is something I haven’t told anyone: the night before we met up, I had a dream about finally getting to meet you. When you guided me by the small of my back up the stairs: I dreamed that right down to what you said about me finally coming to hang out. All your attempts at chivalry that night I already saw in my dream.

At the end of the day, who knows if I will ever get lucky and find another person who took the misery away like you did. Maybe I never will.

It may be best that I just prepare myself for the latter. Just in case.

The whole package (daughter, career, spouse) may not be in the cards.

No matter what, from now on, I live for myself and my daughter. Whatever happens, happens.

hot and cold

i can't stand guys who constantly run hot and cold with me, either or, one minute they're all over me the next they're cursing my very existence, pretend not to know me, take it or leave it. nine times out of ten i'd rather leave you, thank you very much. you have to graduate high school mentally not just physically yanno.

Savage

I have been in the presence of men who on paper (or in some cases, online) are much more savage than they are to me in person. In person they were like tigers who grew up in captivity. I would have wild dreams about them. In my dreams, they were eager to please and purred at the slightest glimpse of affections. As they grew excited, they forgot their own strength, but such strength does nothing but excite the likes of me. I would offer one my neck and they would take it gladly, anything to get closer to the vapors of my perfume.

Same as it ever was....

I guess certain people I wasn't meant to be friends with for the rest of our lives. I tried and tried to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this one particular person:

~God knows what she's said about me behind my back the whole time we've known each other,

~they have pushed me around my entire life, mistaking my kindness for weakness. I am not weak. I am simply a Pacifist. I fight with my words, not my fists. I really try not to be cruel, but there are times when I can't take someone's BS anymore and I have to just walk away.

~I know a lot of the things this person said about me growing up. I chose to ignore it in hopes that they would grow out of being two-faced. They haven't.

~I love this particular person, but I am done catering to a diva. Honestly, I can't stand divas, especially the hard core divas that think their farts smell like roses. They make me want to stick a fountain pen in my eye and swirl it around.

I have plenty of friends and a great life, her name is Alexis. She's my heart, and I paid dearly for her, but that's alright with me, because all I ever wanted was a daughter. I will have a ton of detours thrown at me because I have my daughter now, but the older I get the easier it is to deal with. Day by day: that's all I know about my life from now on.

The Unknown

The thing about the "unknown" is that it will ALWAYS be there. That is something you cannot control.

Your best defense is a good offense.

In sports, in marriage, in life.

Compromise, and compatibility, not perfection.

You must be best friends first before you can ever hope to make it in the long term sense. Soul mates come in all shapes, sizes, and they do not even have to be human: they could be your childhood pet, your favorite painting, a book that changed your life forever.

Life is in the details.

To my late brother-in-law:

These are all the thoughts I cannot talk about. This was a really cathartic piece for me:

I Hope Your Heaven-Sent, and You're Hell Proof

This year has been quite rough on me in a lot of ways. It has not been easy getting used to the vast changes I have had to undergo. Some of them were easy, some of them were downright nerve wracking. However, I think that it will cause me to be a better version of myself starting 2011.

I ran into someone this year whom seems to only ever see me when I am at my most depressed. I wish things were different and I could have been more of a friend to her the last time we were together, but I had so much on my mind and I didn't feel like myself at all. I know she could tell plain as day that I had a thing or to that was really bothering me. But she was really nice to me and checked in on me once in a while, and for that I was and still am grateful. There have been strangers I'd just met this year who have shown me more kindness that people I have known my entire life never gave me. I guess sometimes you really can depend on the kindness of strangers.