Someone in your family that means so much to you.

Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.

I am lucky enough to have a family and relatives who love me tremendously and would do anything for me, and vice versa.   I come from an Irish/Polish family on my father's side, and I am German and Canadian.  Both sides are very close, but my father's side is much more vocal about it.  I love my stereotypical Irish Catholic family, but I love my WASP-y Grandmother and Aunts at the same time.  Well, all accept one.  One of my Aunts I have practically shunned from my life because of something really horrible that she did to her daughter (my cousin, obviously).  I won't go into detail because I decided long ago to post as little of my family drama as possible to protect a those involved.

Even so, I would be dead if it weren't for my family.

So try to fuck with them.

I dare you.

Related articles

• The problem with Irish American racism
• Daddy Daughter battles
• Flashback Friday: Cousins

What WAS your biggest dream in life?

Day 29: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?


I would have to say that growing up my biggest dream was to get the nerve to actually sing something at a school talent show.  I've been to a few, and I used to be one of the best alto's during the two years I was in choir in high school, but I never did a solo for a talent show.  I could never do it though; I was too chicken.  Now I regret it, but I try to make up for it a little by doing karaoke (now I can do it sober.  I couldn't for a long while, but since I'm used to it now, the stage fright isn't so bad.)

Related articles

• Dreams
• Never stop Dreaming
• Keep Dreaming

What is your biggest dream in life?

Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?


I have lost count on how many times I have told this story:

I have wanted my own bar & grill for the past seven years.  My dad makes some seriously good ribs and since I have a little experience working at a bar and grill it makes me want to open one that much more.  My father is also retiring at the beginning of next year and he's a workaholic so he'll need something to keep him occupied.  There is an entrepreneur course at my community college and I think if I take that along with saving up money for the next five years or so I could open one up.

It doesn't have to be a bar, even.  The way things look I might have to have it just be a place to get some good BBQ.  There is a place like that right near my house, a seafood place, that was voted one of the best places to get seafood in NJ Monthly Magazine.  I would be perfectly happy having a small place of my own grilling up BBQ for ten years or so.  My dad likes the idea so I think it would be a good thing to have a family run place for a while.  Then when I feel the time is right I'll sell it.

One of the things that makes me happy is cooking, and if I could do that in my own place for a few years, then I would be perfectly content.

Related articles

• Exercise #43: Coloring Dreams
• I Must Live My Dream
• I Believe

How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?

Day 26: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?


I have lost friends due to my success.  It hurts every time it happens, and yes, it keeps happening, and will probably always happen in my life.

Not everything I have done has succeeded, and I make it a point to take my knocks like a woman.  The older I get, the more I really stand firm in spite of the fact that I just made a mistake or had an idea that was a disaster or fizzled out.

The thing is; I had a near death experience when I was 17.  It changed me forever.  I do not look at the world the same way most people do.  Only those who have also experienced this phenomenon know what I'm talking about.  Life can cause you to grow a pretty multifaceted sense of humor that can downright appall people at times.

I am only human: I enjoy the fruits of my labor more than anyone will ever know.

Regret scares me.  It really, really scares me.  It always has.

I try to be humble in the mist of my success, and I force myself to see the lesson in every failure I encounter.  I think that's all anyone can really do.

Related articles

• REWARDING FAILURE, PUNISHING SUCCESS. You're famous and you haven't even sold one record. "Megal...

  ---

• Three Johnny Cash Principles on Being a Rebel.

  ---

• What Nora Ephron Taught Us About Aging

  ---

• Near-Death Experience

  ---

Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.

30 Days of Truth:


Day 25: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.


At my cousin's 21st birthday her, her sister, her friend, Mom, Dad and I were planned to go to a club for my younger cousin's 21st.  Not just any night at said bar either; it was gay night!  "Asseteria" I believe it was called.  Small club but comfortable seating.  I got to watch my aunt and uncle sit near two guys who were kissing.  I never thought I'd see something like that in a million years.  It was awesome!  We all had a great time and I even went so far as to insist to tip and take pictures with the Go-Go dancers.  The only thing I really didn't like that night was the fact that drinks in New York City are freakin' EXPENSIVE.

All in all, it was a really fun trip.  Despite the bitter snow we had to forge through to in order to get there.

Related articles

• 45 things i know at 45

  ---

• Chris Brown Gets Into Fight At NYC Night Club

  ---

• NYC Nightlife Reflections

  ---

Day 24: A Spontaneous Moment

Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.


I had this friend Michelle.  She was bi, but since the last time I talked to her she was exclusively liking girls.  She called me one night when I was taking a walk to 7-11.  She said her and a guy she worked with along with a few other people are going to Atlantic City the next night, and asked if I wanted to come.  It was last minute, but I really wanted to go.  I was around 23-24.  We were going to spend some time on the slots, having a few drinks, go to a club, and then crash at her co-worker's house.

I am a pretty indoor person.  I don't usually do spontaneous trips to places.  But once in a while I'll get an offer to go to Atlantic City or Philadelphia or New York City and I think "Yeah, I really need to get out of the house right now, and I'm in the mood to be spontaneous and party for once".  I step out of "Grandma" mode (as I call myself since I spent a lot of my time back then puttering about the house and reading books in my spare time) and I decide to go do something wild for a change.  Sometimes I get REALLY wild, but this was a spur of the moment "Hey, let's go to Atlantic City and gamble and dance our asses off!" kind of thing.

And that's what I did.  We were at Borgata and I gambled my way into the club.  There was a girl from Slovakia (I think) who used to work there and knew the bouncer, and we got offered the VIP area, but we had to pay for it.  We just made it to the dance floor/bar.  It was great!  When I'm out and I've had a few drinks in me, I can dance for hours.  We all had a great time dancing about and having fun.  I got to dance with a few cute guys; it was a blast.  I even tried asking if I could dance on the bar but I wasn't allowed to.


I may be a hermit most of the time, but I have my moments! 

Related articles

• Atlantic City Revels in the Fun of World-Class Resorts

  ---

• Revel ranks 8th of 12 AC casinos 3rd month in row

  ---

• The Beauty of Spontaneity.

  ---

Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.

The first time I ever felt Lexi move around inside me when I was pregnant with her was the most spiritual moment in my life.  I was sitting in the living room, biding my time between reading a book and watching TV, when all of a sudden, I felt these bubbles deep in my stomach.  Only on second check, it wasn't my stomach, it was Lexi.  I fell in love with her hard after this.


  She started as little bubbles and grew into a baby who loved to kick!


Video of Lexi at almost 3 months
http://youtu.be/yWz-I9TD3Nc

Related articles

• 30 Days of Truth day 21

  ---

• Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life

  ---

30 Days of Truth: Day 22

Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.


I actually talk about that a little in this article:

http://www.helium.com/items/832495-the-rise-and-fall-of-britney-spears

I was in a really bad relationship for a few years of my life, got pregnant, and left to raise my daughter by myself, in a nutshell.  It's a topic that I'm pretty much sick of telling, but sometimes I have to, if only to serve as a cautionary tale.

30 Days of Truth: Day 21

Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.

During my travels, I have seen friends come and go.  The friends that have gone are either gone because I never want to talk to them again, or we just lost touch and went from hot to cold, so to speak.

If we're talking "girlfriends", then I would nominate my friend Joanna as my best friend.  I met her when I worked as a pharmacy tech at "Wrong Help", and ever since we've been a part of each other's lives.  We became really close once we realized that our due dates were near each other.  We had our babies two weeks apart, and she has been there since day one with my daughter.  I was going through the worst time of my life, the drama with my daughter's father, and she was there.  She never judged me whenever I made mistakes, and I consider her the Godmother of my daughter if I believed in organized religion.  She's like me: hates drama and that's one of the big things I love about her.

We all have that person whom has seen us through the absolute worst times of our lives, and she is that person for me.  I used to have someone I've known for forever and in all the years I've known that person, she was never as dependable and giving as Joanna.  That person pales in comparison to Joanna.  Even though I can't see her as much as I wish I could (she has a lot more friends than I do and likes to go out a lot more than I do), and although she's having some personal troubles of her own, I know she's always there for me.

We go on dinner dates (lots and lots of sushi) and don't party much (I can't handle partying as much as she can.  I never could!), but we always have a good time, especially when we're together with our kids!

30 Days of Truth: Day 20

 Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I have seen it so many times I have lost count.  I also got to see the "audience participation" version three times with my sister, but a group that is no longer together anymore (but I really wish they were still around) The Transducer Players.

http://www.rockyhorror.com/profiles/cast_1996_01.php

The best shows were obviously the Halloween shows, which unfortunately I've only seen once.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show crowd has been my crowd since I was around 15.  I don't like to be around uptight people when I'm trying to blow off some steam or have fun.

30 Days of Truth Day 19

Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life)


That's easy.  When I was pregnant with the man I thought I was going to marry's kid and found out he was cheating on me with five different women, and had been spending half his time and planned to move in with her.

I've used guys for sex before, I've even messed around with two different guys when I knew they had a girlfriend.  One left his girlfriend for me, one I never wanted to go out with.  He's the last person I'll ever mess around with whom I knew was attached.  It's despicable, I know.  However, a lot of guys have hooked up with me and told me afterwards that they had a girlfriend.  I have never, God forbid, messed with a guy who turned out to be married.  I hope I never do.

After what happened to me I've only been monogamous to one person.  The odds are I never will be again.  As Lexi gets older I have to be a lot more picky whom I bring around, especially because she's a special needs kid.  Plus, my freedom means too much of me.  I must have said this a thousand times, but it's just as true as the first time I've said it.  I do get lonely sometimes, but I know it's going to be me and Lexi against the world.

Related articles

• 30 Days of Truth day 8

  ---

• 30 Days of Truth day 9

  ---

30 Days of Truth: Day 18

LOS ANGELES, CA - MAY 

Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.






There is one person I met on livejournal.com who really made a difference for me as far as my self esteem goes.  This person is considered an "indy" celebrity.  I'll call him "Ducky".

Ducky was a person I found while I was scoping out different groups on livejournal one day.  I started following Ducky and he and I also started IMing each other not long after we met.  I suppose he thought I was pretty cute because he would joke around about how I should give him a "show" (IE throw my webcam up for him and let him watch me have fun with my vibrator).  I had never done this before, but eventually I said OK.

 I was a nervous WRECK.  Hands and knees trembling, shortness of breath, heart pounding "Oh dear Lord please don't let me look like a fool while I'm doing this" WRECK.  I remedied that nervousness by just keeping my eyes shut and pretending it was his hands touching me all over and working my vibrator until I came.



And I came hard.

Before and after Ducky had met me, he had watched other girls do webcam shows for him, but he would always come back to me, teasing me, telling me to turn the cam on and let him see me naked almost every time we talked.  I had no idea that he didn't know he was the first person I had ever given a webcam show to.  I suppose it was the noises I make when I'm starting to get excited.  After I told him he most definitely was the first I'd done that for anyone, Because of this I became his undisputed favorite, and I know I always will be.

Ducky wanting me like that all the time for so long when he could be spending his time with any other girl he chose helped me come to terms with my own sexuality, and that first webcam show is when I realized that I really am a "kinkster".  I am what I am and my sexual appetite is what it is, and I'll be forever grateful to him for helping me come out of my shell.

The last show I gave him?  I was dancing around, my body back to its normal weight..  I danced in front of my cam in black thigh high stockings and nothing else.

That should be enough milage for the spank bank to last him a long damn time. ;)

• 
  

  ---

30 Days of Truth: Day 17

Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.


I have had a lot of people drift in and out of my life: lovers, friends, boyfriends.   I know so many people now that I am older and I do my best to keep up with them.  It's really hard as it is for me as a blogger when I host five different blogs along with running profiles on various social and bookmarking networks so that I can always get new readers, I can only really see the people whom I have been really close with for a while. In so far as keeping in touch, I am really thankful to social networks like Myspace (even though I'm never on there anymore), Facebook and Twitter because if I didn't have them I'd lose contact with a ton of people.

I do miss them, especially the ones who just stopped talking to me for no reason.  I guess those hurt the most.  I don't know what it would be like to just cut people out of my life like that and not even give the other person some closure.

Related articles

• Can you handle the truth?

  ---

• Facebook: Doomed Like MySpace?

  ---

• What does the future hold for mega social networks?

  ---

30 Days of Truth: Day 16

A book you've read that changed your views on something.

The one book I have read that honestly changed my views on society as a whole is Anthony Burgess's A Clockwork Orange.  I know that's a lot of people's answer but it's true as far as I'm concerned.  Burgess didn't count on it being so popular, but that book was like looking into a crystal ball and seeing what the Earth's environment as a whole could become if there wasn't any "law and order".  Only sociopaths would find such urban decay appealing.  The scary part of this novel is the fact that we really do live in a society that glorifies promiscuous sex and violence.  It may not be overrun by gangs of roving teenagers in a "science fiction future" just yet, but it could be if something isn't done within the low-cost urban areas of not only America, but the world.

Related articles  

• Happy Birthday, A Clockwork Orange

  ---

• Anti-psychiatry in A Clockwork Orange

  ---

• Anthony Burgess on the message of A Clockwork Orange

  ---

30 Days of Truth Day 14

Day 14: Someone who has made your life worth living.

When you have a significant age difference between your sibling and yourself, the older sibling usually becomes a second parent. My sister is eight years older than I am, and I when I was born I instantly became her "baby".I am a spoiled brat compared to my sister.  I am the baby of the family: we're all spoiled brats.  My sister also spoiled me as though I was her daughter as well.  I am very protective of my family, but especially my sister when I was growing up.  There are times I wish I was two years younger rather than eight, so then I could beat up all the people who ever hurt her or made fun of her.  I would have had no problem going to detention or getting suspended for opening a can of whoop-ass on anyone who dared make her cry I suppose it's my Irish temper that makes me this way.

30 Days of Truth Day 13

Day 13: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.

1). Meet my favorite indy celebrities.  They're mostly writers and wrestlers.

2). Publish my short stories

3).  Meet some of my favorite main stream wrestlers (CM Punk and Randy Orton being the top 2)

4).  Learn how to make sushi

5).  Get an AA degree in English

6).  Play in an all chick band called "Hot Fuzz"

7).  Go to Vegas when Lexi turns 21

8).  Record an album

9).  Meet Fiona Apple

10).  Go to London and hang out with Clayton Littlewood

30 Days of Truth Day 12

Day 12: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.


If I were a super hero, my name would be "The Procrastinator".  I'm a lot like "The Terminator" except I'm not made of liquid metal, I'm not indestructible and I don't have a garbled accent that butchers what little English I had learned before deciding to put down the barbells and start acting, who whines about how my paper is due/laundry needs to be done/don't wanna vacuum/f*** doing the dishes/do I hafta take out the recycling???


You get the picture.

30 Days of Truth: Day 11

 Something about which people seem to compliment you.

~My eyes

~My smile

~My wit

~My generosity

~My loyalty to my family

~My dedication to my daughter

30 Days of Truth: Day 10

Something at which you've been a champion or the best.

I have been told by many males (and a couple of females) that I am a really good kisser.  I don't know if I would call myself the best, but maybe a champion kisser.  I know how to be aggressive without the other person feeling like I'm trying to eat their face off or something, and I'm not sloppy.

30 Days of Truth: Day 6

Something that excites you and fills you with joy.