I left part 2

I left the first time my father verbally abused me.

I still leave to this day.  Better to cry and get the pain out then to wind up to now in the fucking looney bin again.   My dad will give voice to things I cannot,  because I am the "crazy one".  I am not a 35 year old woman who can think for herself.  

In Gilead I am a handmaid desperate for the little freedoms of life. 

Everyone who meets my daughter says she looks like me.  It is the first thing they say.  My daughter is 11 and gaining a figure. 

Don't be surprised if you ever see me in the papers over some pervert who looked at my daughter the wrong way.   I have an ocean of patience. But not when it comes to someone violating my daughter.

Give us this day

I had just graduated high school and was at my county's college's library when I heard the news from a sobbing librarian as I was using one of the computers.  Class was dismissed early.  Not long after I met my college boyfriend.  There was a candle vigil at the school as well.  At the end someone played "Taps" on their horn and I cried.  It was "Patriot's Day" at Mini Me's school.  She had to come in USA colors.

9/11 Shouldn't be forced down America's throats, yet our government and media don't care.  So I just hug my kid a little tighter and change the channel.

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Summer Break Part One

Lexi's last day of school was today.  She came home with all this stuff for playing in the backyard or at a beach: shovel, bukkit, bubbles and a bubble wand.  All of her arts and crafts are with us now as well, along with her father's day gift, which they made for my Grandfather.  I'm not going to be dealing with drama from Lexi's dad so I'm just going to pretend she didn't make that, even though my dad deserves a Father's Day Present more than he does.  He has another kid to get Father's Day presents from anyway.

I hold my tongue a lot about Lexi's dad when I talk about him publicly, but it is what it is regardless of whether or not his feelings get hurt.  He wants all the fun of having a kid without any of the responsibilities.  That kind of mindset is going to bite you in the ass if you hate responsibility as much as he does.  My family and I did everything we could to get Lexi's dad on the up and up, and we're all done helping him.  You can't change people, and I am not going to go out of my way to glorify her father or his side of the family so that I don't hurt their feelings.  They make no attempt to contact me so why should it hurt when I point out the obvious?  I'm only telling the truth.

Despite the family drama I have to deal with sometimes, Mini Me is doing the best she can regarding school. She's showing progress with her speech and hopefully in the next couple of years she will able to say "potty" or "hungry" or "thirsty".  I'm going to be doing the activities her teacher left for us to do so she doesn't forget what she has learned.

Being a single mom, even with help, is hard.

Stupid freakin' property citations!!!

Pre-kindergarden

Pretty soon Lexi will be done pre-school. She'll be considered a kindergardener next year, but she'll be doing the same classes and therapy sessions she's been doing this year.

After about two months of school she started making improvements with making eye contact and "talking" with her hands. She'll grab someone's hand and lead them to the kitchen if she's hungry or thirsty, she'll walk up to you and give you her empty plate/bowl or empty cup when she wants more. She'll also take your hand and lead it to the door if she wants to go outside (which is practically all the time).

Today it's rainy and miserable I'm guessing she won't be able to go outside. I'll have to let her roam around in the backyard later if it's not raining.

During July she'll be taking the special summer classes that she took last year, so she doesn't lose too much of what she learned during the year.

No matter how much therapy she gets, her speech is always going to be severely delayed for her age.  She's so smart in other areas, though.  She'll make a great scientist, the way she picks apart everything and examines it.  I wish she would stop putting everything in her mouth, though.  She's getting better at stopping that when we tell her to stop though. so that's another good thing.

I can't wait until the end of 2013 when I can compare her progress.  I'll probably look forward to the end of every year for the same reason.

Porn Star in Training

Way back when I was 16 I spent a week at my Aunt and Uncle's to hang out with them and my two cousins.  The older cousin was going away to college very soon so I stayed there because it was the last time we could really hang out (and boy was I right, considering her career now).

One night I was out on the boardwalk with  my cousins and a friend of my older cousin.  Eventually we made a stop at The Shore Store:



and picked up my first Shore Store T-shirt:




I totally got it to give my dad the proverbial "parent heart attack", but it turned out my cousin and Aunt freaked out about it more than he did: he just thought it was funny.

Construction!

Sorry I accidentally posted Friday's blog entry earlier

Karma

This song says it all:



My fairy tale has no happy ending. I was so sure we were going to be married, have our daughter, live happily ever after.


My innocence was killed the day she was born.


It is my daughter and I against the world, and no one can stop us.

My A/C repair woman finally came today....

Her fee is cookies and milk.

My idea of heaven

To Be

To be a successful as a blogger who has chosen the "personal journal" category to write under, I can't hold back.  When it comes to the internet, I don't owe anyone my social life, but to be a great writer is more than being a great reader.  It is being able to take great risks.  I risk unintentionally hurting the feelings of others or embarrassing people I care about.  I have so much I want to share with the world but I don't want to hurt anyone.

I suppose if I change names to protect the privacy of certain people who I literally cannot write about because if their boss or co-worker could sniff around the Google machine and the last thing I want is someone losing their job over some unsavory, off-the-cuff observations or anecdotes of mine.

I've been wanting to turn my journals into a book ever since I started writing a diary when I was first grade.  Even my father said I should do it (with discretion, of course).  I have so much to tell.  Years and years of trying so hard to find out exactly who I am.  It's raw.  That's the best way I can describe my journals.  Raw.  Especially after I fell in love with Anais Nin.  Should I create an expurgated version of my life and wait until certain "characters" have left this world in order to publish the full truth?   If my family cannot take what I have written, I suppose I should warn them not to read it.  There is a lot that has been held back from them.  Maybe the truth will set me free and the burden of my past will be lifted.

I have been deliberating this for long enough.

Semi-autobiographical.  I believe this is my best bet.  Lord knows I am good with making up characters on the internet.

I feel good about this decision.

Fickle Weather

The weather has no business being this warm in the middle of March!  Either we're in for a blizzard or something in April or this is the mildest winter I've seen in a long time.

Lexi woke up at around 6am this morning, and I sat with her until it was time to get her dressed and ready for school.  A few minutes before the bus was supposed to come (which she is usually jumping up and down at the door ready to go), she just had a complete melt-down and I had to practically drag her to the bus.  I don't know why she gets so upset like that: maybe she was confused and thought it was the weekend or something because she had to stay at home tomorrow for a dentist appointment.

She came home in a good mood and had a snack and bounced around in front of the window for a while before passing out on the couch. 

 She had a note in her backpack that she was running around the playground today.  Apparently she likes to ride the "motorcycle" rocking ride there: go figure.  It would be just my luck if she grew up loving motorcycles.

Yesterday she was with my mom and I at Target:

This is the first time that she wasn't grabbing everything in site and actually stayed in her seat, giggling the whole time.

I'm in the middle of Edith Wharton's autobiography and will post a link to the review I'll write as soon as I'm done.

Counting Down to April Fool's Day

Before I know it, Lexi will be five.  I can't believe that she's in school and she's going to be five!

(Lexi at her 1st birthday party)

Lexi at the park with my BFF Jo

At Aunt Kelly's house (my sis Kel's cat hiding)

Lexi at Six Flags:

I've been acting like a typical mom and looking misty-eyed at all her baby pictures.  She was never petite even as a newborn.  She sprouted and continues to sprout fast.

We're having a very small party at McDonald's this year, and I've managed to get a game for us to play along with the Play Place.  It's a Spongebob theme.  I ordered all the decorations and party favors online and I'll pick up Mylar balloons and maybe a "birthday girl" T shirt for Mini Me if they have them at Party City.

I'll have lots of pictures and videos to post and share.

Paved Paradise

Written :12/09/08


I sat in that bar by myself, in my hometown, alone, having a few drinks and doing a lot of thinking. Basically what I came up with was this; I do not want to raise my daughter in this town. I hated growing up here. It's going to be even worse for my own kid to grow up here. All they do is pave paradise (a.k.a. any sort of vegetation that kids can play in) and put up parking lot after parking lot. There used to be a bit of forest not very far from me. We would build tree forts and play all sorts of games there. It is always wonderful to have some forest to play in growing up, even if I was insanely allergic to poison ivy. That forest was all taken away. There is also an abandoned drive-in movie theater right in front of my house. It ran when up until I was about six or seven I believe; it had to be torn down because of all the damn honking that would go on during the midnight movies. I wouldn't be able to make it to school the next day sometimes because I would get woken up and not be able to get back to sleep because they used to make so much noise. They want to turn that into blocks of stores. It seems like anyone who runs New Jersey wants to just pave it over anymore. Soon enough we'll all have to walk around with oxygen tanks strapped to our backs. It'll be The Turnpike State; no more gardens will grace its soil ever again. Not when there is so much money to be had creating retirement communities.

Dear Anon.

You, the two eyes reading this: you are not whom you think you are.

You have talent, humor and charm, and even though you seem like you aspire to be a scumbag, you are capable of so much more and you know it. It doesn’t make you cool to shrug off the expectations of those who care about you. It just makes you look like a fool. You don’t have to be a nice person if you know that’s not who you truly are. Being jerk and being a bad person can be two different things.

It is not ok when friends try to keep you from growing up because they themselves do not have the guts or the will power to become adults themselves. If they cannot balance responsibility with living life to the fullest, all they will ever do is drag you down so that you cannot make anything of yourself even if you tried. Simply having known someone your whole life doesn’t mean you need to keep them in your life for the sake of your future. That is something I am all too familiar with.

I have never thought you were a bad person, even when I tried to just get rid of you and never think about you again. At the time,that plan failed miserably.

From day one you’ve shown me a side of you that I doubt very much you show very many people, and maybe that is what scared you. I am sure the risk of my seeing it face to face (which I saw the moment you first laid eyes on me–I severely doubt you were even aware that your face lit up like a Christmas tree) probably scared you even more.

Whatever spin you want to put onto whatever it is we have: this is the real deal, Evander Holyfield. If you think I am just going to back out like I have before, then you’re in for a bumpy ride (and I say bring it).

I have made up my mind once and for all about you, and I will keep my distance so that you can gain distance from everything that has happened between us.

However, I said a long time ago that from the first time I saw you I knew I was in for it with you.

his is something I haven’t told anyone: the night before we met up, I had a dream about finally getting to meet you. When you guided me by the small of my back up the stairs: I dreamed that right down to what you said about me finally coming to hang out. All your attempts at chivalry that night I already saw in my dream.

At the end of the day, who knows if I will ever get lucky and find another person who took the misery away like you did. Maybe I never will.

It may be best that I just prepare myself for the latter. Just in case.

The whole package (daughter, career, spouse) may not be in the cards.

No matter what, from now on, I live for myself and my daughter. Whatever happens, happens.

Something in the Way She Moves

You think you know me well: but you don't know me

Just because you read whatever is written on my blogs, does not mean you know me. No one in my life can truly say they know everything about me, and it’s a safe bet that no one ever will. Not my parents, not my daughter, no one.

I will censor myself to a certain extent, but I am not going to completely, because of what certain people may find. Why should I have to hide and be afraid of what other’s think? That isn’t who I am anymore.

I do not usually speak one on one with whatever is bothering me. I write it down. That’s the way it has been since I truly started keeping a journal, at the ripe old age of ten.

Almost my whole life is kept in a box somewhere. Soon I will have to take out a safe deposit box in a bank; the best place to keep them safe and away from harm or prying eyes.

My paper journals are for no one’s eyes but my own.

You read snippets of my life, but do not ever assume you know me simply from what you have perused. I am not my blogs, I am not this article, I am not the words contained therein, I am not any one thing. The minute anyone assumes that I am I know once and for all that they will never understand me. I am not your compact luggage; I don’t slide easily into the overhead compartment.

Maybe it is easy to piece together an image of what you assume I must be by reading this. Maybe it isn’t.

All I can say is this; I speak from the heart. I am more than my words, but my words are everything to me.

It wouldn’t surprise me if this makes absolutely no sense to anyone but myself. That’s fine with me. I’m used to it.

OFC (Overheard Facebook Convo) #1

"Arrogant people are slow to learn, because learning requires admission that you did not know in the first place.  That is why arrogant people are sometimes dumb.  That is why religion is always following behind science, first denying the evidence, then later insisting that they had the answer first."

-Bob Dobbs (Bob on Facebook)


Indeed....trying to use logic and reason against religious faith is ultimately a waste of time. People are not brought to God by evidence but by emotional appeals..."feelings". Once we see that 'feelings' are always self-serving and can lead us astray we become wiser and more self-critical. That is when understanding can come forth at last....


-Dan Hettmannsperger III (Dan on Facebook)

Only Child

Starting in April 2011, I became really depressed. I realized that I might never be able to give Lexi a brother or sister. The damage I have from delivery and the hormonal imbalances I've acquired from having Mini Me make it impossible to have another kid. The medication I have to take for the mental illness I now have ensure it. I can't go off my meds.

This realization makes me really sad. I'm feeling a bit better about it now, but sometimes when I look at Mini Me this realization hits me right in the gut.

Helpless

"You know what powerlessness is? It's when you have to promise your imprisoned wife that you're not going to do anything about a psychopath who's terrorizing her." -Wally Lamb, The Hour I First Believed

There are many instances where I have felt powerless. As the person I am now, I very rarely ever submit my power to somebody else. Even when I feel at my lowest, I fight the urge to let the depression own me. I control my depression, the depression does NOT own me.

There are places where you are faced with helplessness on a daily basis, if you work there. In hospitals, there are people whom are powerless to leave for an extended period of time. In psychiatric hospitals, there are some who will be living there for the rest of their lives. In hospices, you will find men and women whom are powerless to the fact that they will be passing soon.

Prison is the best example of a human being succumbing to powerlessness, in America especially. Nothing can leech someones empathy and tolerance of their fellow man quite like being thrown in the clink.

Prison has always been a topic that causes me to bristle. It is my opinion that our society breeds criminals in the first place, then hauls them off into a system that fundamentally treats them like animals. You can't spoil a child and then get upset at their throwing a tantrum when they don't get what they want. You cannot treat a person as though they were misbehaving cattle and then get angry when they act as such once you released them back into society.

A person who is in a constant state of powerlessness will do whatever it takes to gain their power back. If that weren't the case, there would be no inmate suicides, no gang wars, and no prison breaks. Some people would rather be dead than give up their freedom, even for a little while.

Tokyo Blu and The Big House

(My plate)




One of my bff's and I decided to go back to Tokyo Blue because they are BYOB. She got a bottle of Arbor Mist and we stuffed ourselves with sushi before getting after dinner drinks at The Big House.







The food was really good, I tried a couple of new sushi rolls and I also tried caviar for the first time. I believe it was salmon caviar but I cannot be certain.

(my girl's plate)




We also got the green tea tempora for dessert again, then headed to The Big House (grill/biker bar I used to work at).








(yes I am a big girl nowadays lol: medication is to blame. It'll take me a while to lose it since I cannot go off the medicine (that makes me eat like a pig half the time) but I'm trying really hard to stick to my diet.

Karaoke MC/ex-boss of mine Jason

I had a lot of fun there and drank a few Mike's Hard Lemonades.