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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Loner

I have always been a loner. As a high school teen in a post-Columbine world, it was not easy. I am sure I had fellow students think that maybe I could be the next one to totally flip out and go on a murder spree so my death is as infamous as possible.

That is nowhere close to how I was raised. I had, and still have, a disfuncional family that still loves me as much as they ever have. I cannot being to imagine what life was like for Eric and Dylan, but as far as my household was concerned: our lives got a lot better the day I finally stood up to my father and told him at the tender age of ten in no uncertain words that his drunken rampaging was ruining his family.



As for my career as a writer? I am about as ready for the climax of my own career as Harper Lee was after she wrote "To Kill a Mockingbird". That is what all writers fear: hitting the proverbial wall and not being able to buldoze your way through it.

Writing is just something I do as natural as breathing. I write, I read other people's works, I take pleasure in reading as many different kinds of literature that I can get my hands on. Yet I always fear "the wall". When a writer is so exausted from living the lives of their own characters that they hit the wall like a crash test dummy.



That's what my writing life is: a series of those old Crash Test Dummies commercials. Running to the wall at maximum speed until I hit maximum impact. I walk the line because that is what one does when they are in tune with their art. You go to places in the world, but most of all, your own psyche that you haven't touched in years. There it is, the muse, taking your deepest secrets from the bottom of your soul and yanking them out right in front of you, with no indications on how to go about dealing with them now that they've emerged.



I'm learning to acknowledge the ghosts of my past; I want to get to know them so I can understand what my future holds.

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