Tuesday, April 19, 2011


There is a part of me that knows I am turning 30 soon and it makes me depressed. I suppose it is because that deep down I want to settle down with someone and have another kid.

After Lexi I was pretty set on just having Lexi as being more than enough. My biological clock is more and more loudly telling me I should have another baby in my 30's.

For the most part I am really happy to have my independence, and as much as I have experimented in my life, I don't see myself as a "girlfriend girl" anymore. I am poly-amorous, so I know that my recent thoughts about getting married and having another kid really is my biological clock talking to me.

I can be in a relationship now with multiple people and I don't get jealous of what they do when I am not around. Once I realized that I knew that I had changed a lot since having my daughter. All I ever wanted was a daughter, so now wishing I could have the complete package, the baby and the spouse isn't as big a deal as it was when I was pregnant.

I like being alone. I like knowing that once I get my "me" time of the day that I can use it pretty much however I see fit. How I spend my free time is a big deal to me. If I don't get my space for a few hours a day I become the bitch from hell (not as bitchy as I get when my blood sugar drops, but close enough).

The closer I get to 30, the more I value my time with my daughter. She will be six years old once I get there; she'll be in first grade and I'll be at home by myself for the morning/early afternoon. I really try to savor the moments I have with Mini Me because this is really it: in a few years she's not going to be my baby anymore. However, I know that no matter what, nothing will take away from the fact that she is my precious little girl, my little miracle. A vast hole in my heart was filled the day she was born.

I do not have a clue what my 30's have in store for me, but I know that will be the decade when I cross a lot of things off my "bucket list". There is no way my disability is going to stop that.


  1. It's always interesting to see the world from someone else's perspective. I'm jealous of your relationship with your daughter and mother. I wish my mum and I have what you and your daughter, and you and your mother have.