Saturday, July 9, 2016

Life is short. Have dessert first.

This is something I have to address from time to time:

(This is something I wrote a year ago. I still don't drink unless it's medicinal because I can't sleep or I'm having a lot of back pain.)

I cut alcohol out of my life completely. It's been a year and a half since I have had a drink. It's mostly because of my meds and the fact that I don't want to wind up with type 2 diabetes, which is easy to get on my dad's side of the fam. I am also trying to make that little voice in my head that always pops in to say "Aw stop stressing and have a drink!" go away. If I abuse alcohol it's going to be a gateway to me abusing things that almost destroyed not just my life but me.

It's not that I don't want to hang out, it's the fact that I am a single mom who's daughter has non-verbal Autism, so not only am I a single parent, I am a caretaker too. I am also the youngest and the caretaker of my own parents. Lexi is also a caretaker for my parents, because I raised her to be a very lovely young lady and is the best mood elevator they could ever get. Also she is like me, tall and very unusually strong for her age. She helps my Mom and Dad by helping them get out of a chair or picks up things they can't because it hurts too much. The older she gets, the more she wants to show how responsible she is, because she gets positive reinforcement from me.
Another big thing is the fact that when I had that really serious case of mono back in high school. I don't know who remembers that or who even knows the story, but cliff note version: In 2000 when I was 17 and a junior, I felt like I was coming down with something, had a sore throat all of a sudden, was misdiagnosed, then out of nowhere my kidney and liver started failing and I was rushed to the ER where they took lots of blood took lots of tests and injected me with lots of things, the scary part being that I don't remember 99% of that ER visit.
I have chronic fatigue syndrome because of that illness. It gets worse as I get older. I have to ration my energy when it comes to visiting fam or going out with friends. Those who have known me since kindergarten know that me staying home and reading and minding my own business is how I spent a lot of my free time: I had fun and did naughty things by the time I was in high school but I was never a partier and while curious, alcohol was the only "illegal" drug I ever did up until I was 17.
The good news is that I am right now really trying to be better at living my life in a way that doesn't leech energy out of me. There are meds I HAVE to take that can make you tired, so add CFS and you get the picture. I have to ration out my energy like I'm some 1940's homemaker during WW2 rationing her war bonds. But my life has been worse, and I have a daughter who is the best friend I've ever had. The world doesn't have anything to offer to me that is better than that, and it never will.
I care about all of the people I grew up with and the new people added to my life. You can't grow up with other people your age in a small town and not have some sort of connection with them that never goes away.

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